Because I think too much....

My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? If the whole show was bad and senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed to be part of the show, find myself in such violent reaction against it? A man feels wet when he falls into water, because man is not a water animal: a fish would not feel wet. Of course, I could have given up my idea of justice by saying that it was nothing but a private idea of my own. But if I did that, then my argument against God collapsed too--for the argument depended on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my private fancies. Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist--in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless--I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality--namely my idea of justice--was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning. - C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity


And so, as it often seems, I come upon what one might call a “spiritual crisis”. Not the ones Peter had walking on water, we all surely have those . I suppose this would be more of an Eclesiastes type crisis so to speak. An “I’ve searched and searched”, an “all is meaningless” ( of course Solomon meant without God). Tonight I met with my best friend from college. We had not seen each other for awhile, and had sort of a “falling out” when we met up after eight years, but after I asked his forgiveness, he forgave me. I’ve always loved this particular friend, though we are incredibly different. Which is probably why we were close. No one wants to hang around someone like themselves, lest they be rather bored as they are with themselves quite often ( and bad a bum…..that’s my drum at the end of my joke;).
All to say he is an atheist, I’m a Christian. We both went to the same Baptist college we both acted, infact we often acted in opposite “we’re in love” roles which is a bit ironic.
With all that has happened in the last eight years if not more, and without details, but hardships that I’ve gone through…things I never would have dreamt of….the pain of life physically right now as I’m still healing from chronic pain I’ve had (the scariest thing I’ve ever dealt with) tonight I spoke with my friend about his life, about mine. What had taken place since we were eighteen, carefree and young. The trials, the ups and downs, relationships lost….
And I asked him if he was happy.
He said yes.I said that confuses me. (And it did)
I think we laughed. (I told him stop being happy!)
I asked him why he was.
He told me that from a Christian’s viewpoint I could look at it that he is in the world, and of the world, so why wouldn’t he be happy? He doesn’t have anyone to answer to so to speak…..and apparently is still “carefree”. Now I use the word carefree lightly for I never really and truly have been. I’ve always been a thinker, a performer, a people pleaser, a do-the-right thing because that’s what I knew to do. And so in college, I not only acted in plays, I performed in real life. Life was a stage and I was the lead role.
I remember one girl, who happened to be this friends ex wife telling me I seemed to “have it altogether.”
Well, she didn’t know that I was dealing with depression, a severe eating disorder. I was pacing the tracks at night weeping. Reading my Bible, praying, seeking…..that “hole” that Jesus fills in those without Him?....well, apparently my hole was still there, quite perplexing as I “knew Him”, right? So, books, theology, Bible studies, anything that would give me that “revelation” of God…of His love….that “peace that passes all understanding”
I’ll repent.I’ll praise.
I’ll encourage.
I’ll sacrifice (My, wasn’t I the martyr?;).
And so I would have to say that for the last ten years my burden has been heavy though I “tried” to let Jesus carry it, for isn’t His yoke light? Yes, yes, I knew all of this.
At school there were mostly ministry majors, then art or theatre majors. I preferred to hang out with the theatre majors, for though they were “dark”, at least in my mind they were “real.” I suppose in a way that’s me judging others, but it was what it was at the time. I thought if I were too close to the “real Christians” we’ll call them, they might catch on to what was going on the inside of me and realize (shocker) I did not have it altogether….at all.
My friend that I’m talking about here does not seem angry at God, for in his mind there is no God to be angry with. He told me if God knocked he would answer. And change his life. I asked my athiest friend to see his response….”so am I missing out?” “Is it more fun to have sex, drink a lot , not really care to some extent?” (Although he cares to some degree of course)
Surprisingly, he said no.
Then he told me religion works even as though it were a placebo. I hadn’t really ever thought of that and this disturbed me more than I let on. Is my religion a "placebo", I thought....I mean aren't there happy Buddhists, miserable Christians?
It's this whole "universal mentality" he is under. Whatever works for YOU, well, that’s Truth, right? If you’re an Athiest, you die and become dirt. If you’re a Buddhist you go to fifth dimension, a Mormon you run your own planet, a Christian and you go to Heaven. Well, if I could curse on here without feeling the need to delete it I would for that is sheer nonsense!
It’s like the ever popular book out “The Secret”. It’s all the “power of the mind”. Ok, well, question. If our mind is THAT powerful how did it get formed that way? If our brains are THAT complex, which they are....was this just happenstance?
I don’t want my God to be a “placebo”. He’s not my “prozac” so to speak. Either He exists or He does not. Period. Either there is an after life or there is not.
As Paul said he would be the biggest fool of all if Christianity were not true. We would all be quite foolish.
And so I simply will not believe God to be a “placebo”. If there is a God, which looking at the sun, (it’s amazing how it stays in place and if it were just a little bit closer to the earth we would all be burned), if you look at flowers, birds, bugs, the human mind, body, the arts, the ability to love (had to come from somewhere) I have to know that there is an Artist. There is a Creator. There is a God who “knows the stars by name”. And if I suffer here for a little while, then I identify with Christ (though I often suffer because of my own sin…dangit;). There is a verse that speaks about not envying those that don’t know God for theirs is the god of this world. I found myself envying him tonight. He is as he readily admits “of the world”. Christ said “be not of the world, but be transformed”…..And if there is a God (which I must say there is) and if He had a Son (which historically and Scripturally seems accurate) and if He came to earth as a baby, lay in a manger, served others his entire life, loved others then died the most horrible death because God loved me – God loved my friend – then all of my “envying” of the world should be gone, right? Wrong! Because I’m still human. I still have fleshly desires that “wage war within me” (see Romans Seven). I still stomp and scream inwardly when things aren’t going according to plan. I still yell at God, (I have, but I think He’s ok with that), and ask Him why and how come and tell Him how unfair life is. But He’s God. It’s like when Job questioned Him and God answered! I’m sorry Job, did you create the sea?
But see Job acknowledged that He exists. And is not the core of some of our “Christian” suffering the fact that we know and believe that there is a God? Would life in some ways be easier if I didn’t believe? Yes. If I had no God that loved me, that died for me, that cares for me, that wants me all to Himself…then I would live much differently. I would be “carefree”. I wouldn’t pray for I wouldn’t think there was an answer – Help for me or others. My problems wouldn’t be so frusterating because I wouldn’t believe in a God who could speak and my physical pain would be gone. (This could go off into a tangent about the problem of pain and God but I’ll leave that one to C.S. Lewis). But the ironic thing is: my faith allows me to be “carefree”. For, I ought to be able to rest and know that God is in control – of the evil that happens, of the good. He knows every hair on my head. He knows “when I sit and when I rise”. John Piper gave a sermon once entitled “Are you Humble Enough to Be Carefree?” Is not the very thing my friend has, a sense of “care-freeness” – the thing I envied the very thing I am told to be? Is it not freeing to love, to serve, to give, to consider others better? Is it not freeing to look around at the suffering in this world and know that it is temporary? To know that when my therapist who loves the Lord and hung himself is now free? That he doesn’t not exist, that all of his service was not all for not, but that he is in Heaven with a God that says “Well done my good and faithful servant”?
How sad would I be if there were no God. How despairing? When David became depressed he would often close in the Psalms with “Why are you downcast O my Soul? Does not God live?”!!
How sad when one day I grew old, should I make it and I lose people I love to not know they are okay.
How sad to think my little earthly self is “just a breath” and choices don’t matter. That nothing matters. For if there is no God there can be no good - no right/ no wrong. There can be no reason and purpose. And though I'm wrestling now with various things, far better to "sink with faith, than swim without it."
For how hopeless would life be without God? I wanted to fast forward - ask him what about if one day his child dies - where lies his comfort? Or wife? Where is there peace?

All of this is not directed at my friend. He knows Christianity. He cares about others. He is able to love ( I personally think we are only able to really, really love because God loved us….how else would we know of love?). And I, if I’m correct (which often I’m terribly wrong but I’m going off Scripture here so perhaps I’m safer…whew…) then my friend whom I love is wrong. And there will be a day when we stand before God. One of us is “right”. One of us is “wrong”. And looking at the sun tonight, considering the stars that hang in perfection, a rainbow, how a bird takes flight, how a fish breathes in water, how rain makes a tiny seed grow, how humans are able to love, laugh, cry…..I have to believe I’m “right”. Not in a prideful way, for there is nothing worse than a prideful believer. I think it’s kind of an oxymoron. It’s more of a humbling thing. It is, in fact, care free.

And so, Lord, might I rest knowing my sufferings are temporary. And that You came so I might have life. May I never despair completely, but always, always be reminded of You. And may my desire to love You be ever present, may You be more “real” to me than this computer I type on. May I desire pure things and love the impure. For You love me and I am definitely impure. You love the least of the least. And so in my sufferings, grant me peace. In my “deaths”, grant me Life, and in my burdens teach me to cast. For You carry an entire universe. Surely You can carry our burdens.
And for my sweet friend may he be blessed in such a way as to know You. I would never judge him, but can only say what I believe to be true just as he doesn’t judge me for believing what I believe. You love him more than anyone. And I ask that he would be Yours.

And in my “lamenting”, I am going to go to bed now for I know I’ve said too much (often I do;). And in all of my writings I often find that God teaches me. All of the things I wrote about – I’m not there so to speak. I’m not “carefree”. But I ought to be. I’ve been given the privelage. There was a Man. There was a Cross. There is a Son. There is a God. And thank God there is ;).
(It must be said that there is now a flying roach in my living room. If there is anything I hate it’s roaches. If there is anything I hate worse it’s roaches that fly. We have no bug spray so I find myself in a sticky situation. In a room with a flying roach and a bottle of furniture polish in my hand on guard. Maybe it won’t know the difference......)