Just some Random Pics

For Annie

The sun dances and smiles down
On her golden hair
She laughs in innocence
And rests and trusts
As babies should
As we should
She cries, but stops
She snuggles
Her little hand in mine
Once in me
A joy and blessing
Teaching me more than I'll ever teach her
Such pureness
Tenderness
Sweetness of heart
Fascinated by a ball
Reminding me to be awe of small things
Such wisdom in her calm spirit
Love for life in her eyes
Wonder
Annie - I love you!

EASTER WITH THE FAMILY, AND OF COURSE........

THE BUNNY.








cousin kenny, me, Annie, Tommy

Have Mercy Lord

The older I get (and I do feel old at 29;), the more I realize life doesn't always go accorrding to our young "everything's going to go like this" plans. There are twists and surprises, blows, disappointments, moments of questioning where our "once solid faith" literally becomes that of a mustard seed (and thanks to God that that's ok). I asked a friend of mine, a wise friend, "does Christianity "work"? Bec, this went wrong, and this...and he said "Christianity never claimed to work, only that it was true". He questioned me on believing in the deepest part of my being God's love and Goodness. And so I've done some soul searching and I realize my soul is full of "but this wasn't fair God, I did this for You". I also struggle with comparison. Well, God do you love them more because they have this and that and I don't? Well, clearly we are commanded not to compare. I must realize that my purpose in this life is different than others. And I must choose to let pain shape me, form me, grow me closer to the Lord. How I desire to be so close to Him. A friend of mine is going through a difficult time - he did everything "right", but see God never promised that Christianity was a formula only that it is true. A man who lived sinlessly died for me. Little me. How great is that love. He is not caught off guard by anything. I guess my point in writing is that I wish my heart were different right now - but I know God will hear me and change me. To stop comparing, wrestling, feeling prideful which I have realized lately I wrestle with as in "God you owe me". He owes me nothing. I deserved death. And He promises me life and eternity with Him. Some of this goes to being a single mom. God, why? God, I'm afraid. I want the little house and husband. And maybe that's a reality in the future, but it's not today. So I must live today - gratefully for God says to give thanks in all circumstances. I must put blinders on my eyes so I don't compare myself to the world or my friends or anyone for that matter. God I ask You for this in Your mercy. To change my heart. That's what You want. My heart. Not outward acts that mean nothing. I want to love You. I want to experience Your love today. Now. Deep in my heart. I want despite everything to cling to You and be thankful. Because You are True. I want to re-learn some of my "Christian notions", that weren't "true". Deepen me Lord, let me love my daughter well, my friends, and You. Without knowing Your love I know I will fail. Father, let all of my "head knowledge" be transferred to my heart. Walk so closely to me that I feel Your breath, that I soar on Your wings, that I hide in Your safety. And Your plan for me is Your plan for me. Let me accept that and do well with this life You've blessed me with. And live today. Where I am. And give You my hopes and dreams.

The Art of Forgiveness

Forgiveness:
I often think I'm quite the "good one" when it comes to this. After all, who am I not to forgive? Yes, yes contectually, theologically, Biblically I "know" this. But then the hurt comes. The injustice. The "I'm right, you're wrong". The desire for justice rather large or small. And then a reminder of the "offense" and I'm in tears, I'm angry, I demand....
This happened to me just this very morning. A matter of where I was so certain I had forgiven, moved on, let go....and then "bam" my heart leaps up to declare "Wait! This is soo not right!"
(My heart is quite the talker).
"Vengeance is mine thus says the Lord, but I just want to be about the Lord's business" - Rich Mullins.
Yes, and so it goes. I was reminded by a dear friend I am not in control. Even when I think I am I'm not. I am not in control of another person's heart.
However, the good news is that God is. God. Yes, the God who calls the stars by name is in control and knows the tiniest detail. The offender (whether it's me and certainly at times it is or someone in my life) ultimately answers to God. He is not absent. He misses nothing. And the grace He extends me, He will extend to any "offense" to me. We all fall under grace. And the hurt we feel, well, I suppose the best we can do is take it to Our Father. Who loves me. And knows. And leave it there. And that's the hard part. For I so want to declare my case....as though a lawyer....and yet I am not called to do this. I can pour out my heart, weep, not understand, but then I must leave it at His feet and walk away. For there it is the safest. There my tears are bottled. There the grace extended to me is now for Him to extend to to the offense. I am responsible for my heart and my heart alone. And it is only God's pursuing that will change mine and another's. I will never change anyone. I will never "make things right". But He will. He does.
And so Lord, as best I can I lay what I feel is an "offense" at Your feet. You have forgiven me the worst of the worst.....let me not be like the man who is forgiven and does not forgive his debtor. So I give You the hurt, pain, heartache, and confusion. And as my friend reminded me You are Good. You are Good in the midst of fearful situations. Of ones I cannot understand. So thank You.

Little Boos Playing

Annie loves her new chair Jen bought her for Christmas. Thanks Jen! She sits and watches her favorite Barney....although we love to sing the "On Demand" song in the beginning "On Demand, and on t.v. - day and night or online too Sprout is always there for you!" We dance to that one a lot (clearly). Annie I've decided is going to be a gymnast or dancer as she loves to thrust herself on pillows and laugh, and she tries to do flips which worries me;) - and she loves to crawl through a cabinet...adventurous! She adores being outside...and I push her on her little train that plays music and we sing to the music it plays "Are you sleeping, are you sleeping..."
I look at how fast she is growing up and it makes me so sad and want to savor every second with her. (Please don't be a teenager soon!:) )

Letting Go

Today I had to let go of someone. Someone significant, to me, to Annie. I woke up this morning knowing we would meet a final time in attempts at reconciliation, and I wept. I wept bittersweet tears. Tears of joy for my daughter. Tears of sadness for her and her father, who at this point will not know each other from this day on, though I know with God all things are possible. I had to forgive finally. I'm not a big "I feel the Lord" with me, in fact, I'm more likely to be like "Lord, are you here?", but indeed, He was. He is. He is with me, Annie, her father. I wept at the beauty of what Satan intended to destroy - my life, Annie's, her fathers, God intended for good, i.e. the Cross. I grieved descisions made, but I let him go into his Fathers hands. I grieved my "should have beens", my "this isn't right", my "you should be this". And I was free. I was free from the bitterness and anger. I was free to love. I was free to forgive and mean it with nothing attatched to it. And the Lord, blessed and sweet of Him to allow me to "feel" Him near. Oh, yes He's always near. I thought about today how we are all "messes" going through this life. There are hard times, and yet there are blessed ones. I went home and played with my daughter and I laughed and danced and swung her to and fro. I gave her a bath and clapped when she put the "captain of the boat" in his "captains chair" and her face gleamed with joy. I watched her strive to walk as she held on to the back of her toy train, that look in her eye that she knew she was attempting something oh so grown up. We said our prayers together. I held onto her so closely. Life felt beautiful today. Though I was glad for the day I am also glad we await a day where we shall be known fully and know Him fully. For we are passing through and we hold onto what we can - and there is nothing good now I know with anger, bitterness, self-pity. Life is too short. It is too wondeful. This is not to say some monumental event occured today, no profound revelation....I will wrestle with the latter I'm sure in the future. Perhaps tomorrow. But for today I choose not to. Today I love my daughter, I care for her father. And I wait on God's plan. And life goes on. After goodbyes to ones and "what ifs" you aren't quite ready to say goodbye to.