Confessions of a Confused Christian

Here was a man who I knew knew the love of God. He showered it upon me with his time, grace, and acceptance. He wasn't just my therapist. Though he saw me for free three times a week and knew my deepest, darkest secrets, my fears, my confusion....it was in Seattle that Michele called and told me he had hung himself from a ceiling. I recall crying a lot in the little quaint doll house like hotel I was staying in by the luxurious waters of the Seattle port. I remember thinking I will read the Psalms, if anyone knew despair it was David. And so I turned my pages furiously trying to find something to soothe my heart....."God saves the righteous man in trouble". I slammed down my Bible and thought to myself "No He doesn't." Instead I tiptoed my way into the lobby where they served shots of whiskey and I drank and drank, went back to my room and sobbed. It was in our times in his office where I would share my despair about the illness (pain in my body) we couldn't figure out - the date rape in which Annie came to be - my thoughts that I, myself, wanted to die. Mark had wrestled with suicide before. Until one day when he was in the Northpark shopping lot and he decided that if God created him "crazy" he would glorify God crazy. That's when he said his healing began. There was always hope he told me. So how could this man drive six hours to his lake house tie a rope......
Is this God's fault? Did God abandon him? No.
So then what? Can I spend my life serving others, loving others and end up as he did? It's terrifying.
All the Christian "just do this, that, don't do this" as though it is salvation from the pain of this world have ended up to be just that "cliche"s. For throughout my trials, I have yet to find a "formula" that "works".
I expressed my anger towards God to my chiropractor, a kind, godly man who somehow musters up the ears to listen to my words. Often through tears. How can God be good? Is God good because He gives us a husband, a new house, our health? No. God is Good because He is Good, the antithesis of Evil. God is good because of Love. He is Love. And if it weren't for my friends, my family, Annie, where I gain glimpses of His Love, I would surely be lost by now. But He never let's me go too far. I've dabbled in the "world" thinking maybe.....
And perhaps in His grace it has made me more miserable. So how do I turn to Him with that child like faith I long to have, despising all of my "but's, my how come's, my Exhibit A as to why He isn't good?" I suppose it's by looking around - my friends who exhibit His love esp. as of late where they forgave me the unforgiveable. I know humanly they would not be able to. I see it when I wake up to my sweet little girl that God brought to me through a quote "terrible" circumstance. Through my parents unfailing love. For chance after chance. For not leaving me when I leave Him. I used to read theology a lot, every Christian book I could get my hands on thinking if I "understood" I would love Him and experience His love. He is Good. He was good to Mark and no doubt provided him a way of escape. He is Good, by taking such pain and bringing sweet Annie (Hebrew meaning God's grace, mercy). He is Good because He went through grief, abandonment, abuse, and a painful death to show me His love beyond just telling me. When I was little I would watch Billy Graham conferences and I would see crowds of people closing their eyes, worshipping, and it would scare me, because I'd think "does He hear my voice?" Yes. He does. He sees a sparrow, He hears His children. How I long for more faith! To know the answers to the questions the enemy throw at me. But I suppose I must trust the One who is Good and knows the answers. Just as I step on a plane and don't know how a plane flies, but I trust the pilot that does know. He is my Pilot. He is good. And on this plane called life we must sit back and trust for a safe landing. Lord, I desire to love You.