The Weather's Changing Just Like Me

Today the weather is beginning to give me a hint that fall is around the corner. That soon the leaves will change into a glorious gold, that the cool wind will blow on my face, that family and friends will come together for another Thanksgiving. It's true what "they" say, and "they" are always correct, that time really does fly. My baby girl is walking, uttering words "Gracie", "Mama", "Pops", giving high fives. She stares at planes in wonder and awe as they fly overhead in our backyard. I want to freeze time with her, savor her little hands, her tiny face before she is grown up, doing homework, going to the mall....kindergarten. I want to protect her from all pain in this world and as she grows older I know it is certain that she will come home in tears, struggle with the vanity of this world around her, not knowing about her dad. I suppose God's grace will be suffucient for that time....the day when she asks me about her father. Perhaps I will be married and another man will love her as her own. I look at how she sits with my dad, rather, "Pops", and eats ice cream with him and it makes me so glad. That this precious little angel is so loved and adored by everyone....and by her Heavenly Father. Today, and lately, I am trying to see life through simpler eyes. I tend to complicate, analyze, worry, doubt. But when I tell myself today is all we have, yesterdays are forever gone, tomorrows are not guarunteed and in His hands anyways, I am free to be in the moment of today.
This last week I have realized how sick I am - my sin, my selfishness, my pride, my insecurities, my need for people to love me. And as a dear wise friend wrote it is only what God thinks of me that matters. And while yes, so terribly "cliche", I fear, so terribly true. When I beg for affirmation in order to be "okay" with myself, I neglect the Father's love. I've lost some things this last week - things that so matter to me - I've dealt with shame and anger. "If only they knew...." Well, He knows and He stamped me "okay, a princess, a daughter" with His hands spread out on a Cross. I am often shocked at my sinful soul, but He is not. It's why He came, it's the essence of the gospel, and perhaps growing up I thought it was a little 50/50 as far as "who" I was...am...
I did this, and that so phew, I'm okay...ya, God did this/ that but I...I...I...
It's about me. My futile attempts to be holy, "good", "loved" - and my pathetic desire to be seen for this. The outward accelades I selfishly attempt to recieve. Jesus, thank You for loving me. That nothing I do can / will change that. Thank You for not giving up on me. Thank You that my righteousness is as filthy rags and that You allow me to wear Your garment. Jesus, I want to know You and love You with my whole heart. And all of my sickness, trials, fears, circumstances, Jesus at Your feet may they be. And may you take what Satan tries to destroy me with and turn it into a chisel to etch me more into Your likeness. Thank You for accepting little me, and not just accepting, for passionately loving me. You are to be trusted. Oh Jesus change me. Give me the abundant life here on earth while we wait to be with You forever.
I pray for Annie - God protect her always, guide her, be with her. Be her daddy now and if it's Your will bring an earthly dad into her life. Thank You for Nana and Pops.
This is a bit of a random post I realize.....