The older I get (and I do feel old at 29;), the more I realize life doesn't always go accorrding to our young "everything's going to go like this" plans. There are twists and surprises, blows, disappointments, moments of questioning where our "once solid faith" literally becomes that of a mustard seed (and thanks to God that that's ok). I asked a friend of mine, a wise friend, "does Christianity "work"? Bec, this went wrong, and this...and he said "Christianity never claimed to work, only that it was true". He questioned me on believing in the deepest part of my being God's love and Goodness. And so I've done some soul searching and I realize my soul is full of "but this wasn't fair God, I did this for You". I also struggle with comparison. Well, God do you love them more because they have this and that and I don't? Well, clearly we are commanded not to compare. I must realize that my purpose in this life is different than others. And I must choose to let pain shape me, form me, grow me closer to the Lord. How I desire to be so close to Him. A friend of mine is going through a difficult time - he did everything "right", but see God never promised that Christianity was a formula only that it is true. A man who lived sinlessly died for me. Little me. How great is that love. He is not caught off guard by anything. I guess my point in writing is that I wish my heart were different right now - but I know God will hear me and change me. To stop comparing, wrestling, feeling prideful which I have realized lately I wrestle with as in "God you owe me". He owes me nothing. I deserved death. And He promises me life and eternity with Him. Some of this goes to being a single mom. God, why? God, I'm afraid. I want the little house and husband. And maybe that's a reality in the future, but it's not today. So I must live today - gratefully for God says to give thanks in all circumstances. I must put blinders on my eyes so I don't compare myself to the world or my friends or anyone for that matter. God I ask You for this in Your mercy. To change my heart. That's what You want. My heart. Not outward acts that mean nothing. I want to love You. I want to experience Your love today. Now. Deep in my heart. I want despite everything to cling to You and be thankful. Because You are True. I want to re-learn some of my "Christian notions", that weren't "true". Deepen me Lord, let me love my daughter well, my friends, and You. Without knowing Your love I know I will fail. Father, let all of my "head knowledge" be transferred to my heart. Walk so closely to me that I feel Your breath, that I soar on Your wings, that I hide in Your safety. And Your plan for me is Your plan for me. Let me accept that and do well with this life You've blessed me with. And live today. Where I am. And give You my hopes and dreams.
