Letting Go

Today I had to let go of someone. Someone significant, to me, to Annie. I woke up this morning knowing we would meet a final time in attempts at reconciliation, and I wept. I wept bittersweet tears. Tears of joy for my daughter. Tears of sadness for her and her father, who at this point will not know each other from this day on, though I know with God all things are possible. I had to forgive finally. I'm not a big "I feel the Lord" with me, in fact, I'm more likely to be like "Lord, are you here?", but indeed, He was. He is. He is with me, Annie, her father. I wept at the beauty of what Satan intended to destroy - my life, Annie's, her fathers, God intended for good, i.e. the Cross. I grieved descisions made, but I let him go into his Fathers hands. I grieved my "should have beens", my "this isn't right", my "you should be this". And I was free. I was free from the bitterness and anger. I was free to love. I was free to forgive and mean it with nothing attatched to it. And the Lord, blessed and sweet of Him to allow me to "feel" Him near. Oh, yes He's always near. I thought about today how we are all "messes" going through this life. There are hard times, and yet there are blessed ones. I went home and played with my daughter and I laughed and danced and swung her to and fro. I gave her a bath and clapped when she put the "captain of the boat" in his "captains chair" and her face gleamed with joy. I watched her strive to walk as she held on to the back of her toy train, that look in her eye that she knew she was attempting something oh so grown up. We said our prayers together. I held onto her so closely. Life felt beautiful today. Though I was glad for the day I am also glad we await a day where we shall be known fully and know Him fully. For we are passing through and we hold onto what we can - and there is nothing good now I know with anger, bitterness, self-pity. Life is too short. It is too wondeful. This is not to say some monumental event occured today, no profound revelation....I will wrestle with the latter I'm sure in the future. Perhaps tomorrow. But for today I choose not to. Today I love my daughter, I care for her father. And I wait on God's plan. And life goes on. After goodbyes to ones and "what ifs" you aren't quite ready to say goodbye to.