Remembering Mark

I still think about Mark so often. He comes to my mind at weird times. Watching t.v., eating out, driving.....I remember things about him and smile. I tried to watch his funeral online the other day and couldn't do it. I was trying to show my mom who couldn't make it and wound up in tears and closed the laptop that displayed visuals, pictures, friends of my friend Mark.
Some things about Mark:
Mark would clip his toenails during our sessions. "I think I feel really comfortable with you". I thought it hilarious.
Mark would walk out, and our appointments were often early at 7 a.m. and he was definately a morning person. Bright-eyed, energetic. He'd walk out, point at me as if to say "YOU! Back in the office."
One time he said "hey sweet girl", as often he would and he said once "Do you know why I say hey sweet girl?...because you are." That will forever stick with me.
One time , after getting frequent throat infections he kept telling me to get a dental "pick". It's this long tube that squirts out water. He said his daughter used it for her throat by putting salt water in it and sticking it way back (yes, you gag) cleaning out the "white spots."
I never did. So one morning Mark grabbed my keys and drove to CVS and bought me one. Out of his own pocket. He was already seeing me with no charge. I think those little things about Mark are what made him so Christ-like.
He'd always be munching on an apple, bannana, or pretzels. He'd say "Wanna bite?"
I guess it takes awhile to get over someone's death. Someone that you imagine is still in his kacky shorts - well pressed iron shirt - like I'll see him Thursday this week and he'll offer me coffee....
It's weird to think of him just not there. Atleast his body.
Like I still have his e mail address on my account. I can't delete it yet. For some strange reason. It's not that I'll ever use it again. It's just I can't browse down click on his name and click "delete". Maybe I think it's confirmation....as though I needed it.
One time there was this song that meant a lot to me and Mark wanted to listen to it . It was some old seventies song, really depressing. So we went out and were listening to it in the lobby when another therapist walked out and stopped watching us listening to this seventies depressing song.
I looked at Mark and said "What kind of weird therapy is this?" We all laughed. He had a great laugh.
Death is strange. Death to suicide is even harder. Harder to accept. Harder to process. I once asked Mark if I could mess up God's plan for my life. "No."
"What if I committed suicide", I replied.
"Even then God would work it into His plan."
And so it is......
This picture of Mark was sent to me by his dear friend. Thanks! It's him, in his office, doing what he did best. Listening and loving. God, how I remember the chair he sat in so well...leaning back just like this, hand on his face just as it is.
I miss you Mark, so much!